Half Nightmare!?

Now I was alone… yeah, by me myself at a surfing training ground somewhere… and you see, we were trained to surf from indoors towards a small door wherein we’re required to enter that thing as we get out just to go surfing.

Then I went out and ventured…

I suddenly saw someone… *umaygad hide me from that creature!*

That was the “igat,” or let’s say, promiscuous woman. After she was banished from our home… I said, “Let me avoid that skank for a while… she’s a danger in the public!”

I was damnated.

It wasn’t until she was the first one to notice me…

“Hi!”

I attempted to be cold.

“Darn it, what the EFF should I freaking do!?”

…and then she asked me a lot of questions like, “Did your parents fight with one another!?”

I just went downstairs and hopped. I don’t care if I go dead or what.

Then I saw that dark-skinned guy.

“OMG… he’s so dark! Wonder if that mahadera is with him again.”

Good thing she’s not there… so he lifted me.

I feel like myself again.

The true concept of family has vanished

Good day. I really do not know how to say this, but even though I remember all of those things, I still forgive you. However, it is too difficult for me to do so. In other words, it gives me the nightmares when I suddenly recall all these things, for instance, when I missed the grad ball. Granted, I may have not told you about it because I might disappoint you with our trip, however, deep inside I wanted to go there not out of curiosity but to redeem myself from any other past social gatherings I have attended. However, because of a single ticket, I felt deprived from what I really wanted to do, so I hesitated whether I will join you or not.

From my point of view, even though I’m at a legal age, I don’t think I still have the right freedom to make a decision. The reason why I confined all my thoughts to myself because I could actually predict your reaction/s, and I could recall how you insisted that I should do this or that. You don’t even recall that (or maybe you refused to do so). That’s what made me rant yesterday. I was hesitant about what to do in my whole entire life because I always thought of living my life pleasing everybody without and living towards their expectations — which made me even more hesitant than you think. Rather than being outspoken about what I really wanted in life, I just say “yes,” rather than refusing. Also, the pressure of interacting with people I might not get along with is another factor — again, which made me pressured in college whether I should shift to another course or not. The reason why I’d rather be delayed for a year or to shift is because I find people outside my course/batch much friendlier and more approachable, and easier to get along with. That’s one thing that I’d like to tell you. Also, if you just listened to/believed me shifting to the course I have told you, I would be much better there because I know what my position is there. In my current course, I think that I’m still in the identity crisis stage. I should have dropped all my major subjects for good, but I chose not to because I do not want to disappoint you guys. If I were to choose between your expectations and my own path, I would choose my own path, because I know where my position is. It so happened that I ended up enjoying my course because I have friends from the lower batch and the higher batch who are taking the same course I’m taking up.

Right now I really do not know whether I will take up law as part of your expectations. You see, I really cannot please anybody (and I’m totally sick and tired of pleasing everyone and living up to their expectations). Even though you told me that I could decide for myself, I am still thinking the opposite — especially whether I should take up law or not. I feel pressured rather than motivated when you once deprived me of letting me doing things that I wanted (which I exert passion), contrary to what you really wanted towards me (which I only took for granted). Of course, I remember all those things, vividly and meticulously. You don’t even know that forcing myself to do something that I really didn’t want at the first place became a hindrance to my original ambitions. I felt pressured rather than motivated, which made me earn a few friends. Also, one reason why I had this grudges against “him” is because you know, like what I said, he exploited us for his own benefit. But what was your response? Nothing. Yes, you could no longer bring back what’s in the past because it happened. In a bad fashion, sadly.

As much as I do not want to say things like these, I have to pour them out. It’s time for you to understand what’s in me. I’m sick and tired of older people speaking their mind abusively and allow the younger ones to say “yes,” and nothing more but yes. Also, we almost often fought with one another because you did not like my extroverted side. You only started to sympathize with me simply because I became introverted when I reached high school (and I’m still introverted in college). You should have just supported the fact that I’d like to socialize and plan my supposed debut plan (yet it was not fulfilled due to many reasons) rather than contradicting it. I’m sorry but I feel secluded and deprived of speaking my mind out. It was only that I was eighteen when I started to express myself freely… but still not yet fully.

You don’t have to feel ashamed of what you did. Like what I said, it’s alright. For as long as you learn from your past mistakes, everything would be OK. It’s only that you should have listened and believed my side at first before jumping into conclusions. We may have similarities and differences, yet why can’t we work out with that? After all, it’s only within the two of us who could relate with one another. I hope you won’t do the same mistake again.

Do not take anything for granted

The worst nightmare ever

Most of us think that nothing lasts forever. Death does not choose any gender. It really happens to anyone. When you dream about something like, “Oh, that person must be dead,” that means that he or she has passed way, whether if it’s all of a sudden OR it is expected.

When I saw myself from the bathroom, I can’t believe that my one and only BFF succumbed to cancer.

Oh, that would be my mater.

I can’t believe it. When I thought of a sinking boat from a certain show after our class got busted due to someone’s mischief… I know something’s not right will happen.

So I left those shoes that really didn’t belong to me on a muddy road, then I moved on, bringing my own shoes.

Then when I probably came home that night, it happened.

Nope, I was not dreaming after all. I was in the bathroom, crying, thinking if that is true. When I saw the plane tickets, I checked it whether it is four or five. Four were still valid. However, I peeked at the window and saw that car… the one in the funeral services thing… it was horrible.

What happened? Why did this happen to me? I felt so heartbroken, I could no longer breathe. I cried so hard, thinking that this would end my life miserable.

Then I woke up. Out of nowhere.

It actually taught me not to take everything for granted. From people you know, to the greatest challenges you’ll encounter in history. You’ll know whether you’ll be challenged that way or not. It’s very painful for someone to lose a parent, one of them dies or both. If both of them died, surely, you feel very sad and lonely at the same time.

So, I hope you won’t take anything and/or anyone for granted.

Shrouded with Mystery

Sephiroth Water

Some water was flowing as I see my home. It was aqua in color, with matching colored rocks sticking to the solid corners. I thought it was a swimming pool, however, there’s an AC outlet (Type A) stuck on it. I was wondering if it’s dangerous to swim there, however, some travellers think that this is the road to the Venice of nowhere.

The Roaming Ghost

I know that there’s a ghost roaming at the third floor of our house. I’d say, it’s like a light that comes onto you, even though you’re closing your eyes, refusing to see the spirit itself. The spirit is said to be the ghost of someone who took his/her own life for an unknown reason. Once I woke up, I saw nothing — it’s just one object moving by itself.

I wonder where I am right now.

I’m at the vintage house right now, surrounded by mirrors. It reminds me of that other house that looks like a luxury mall. There’s a loaf of bread being squeezed on, which turned into paint.

However, the ghost of that mysterious person… his/her case has not yet been solved. I was afraid of him/her, I might be caught roaming in nowhere.

It was the curse of the “Kryptonite.”

I Could No Longer Breathe

I cried almost a year because I thought I will marry Akio for sure. However, I’d rather not tell you why I really cannot choose him as my favorite guy in Japan.

I wanna die now.

I remember when someone has torn my toga after my graduation.

Reminiscing Graduation

I walked fast, as soon as I get there. I really do not know what to do, however, there’s something more than being a graduate of that said school.

I swore to myself not to talk to that guy pal of mine ever again.

It was when that jealous warfreak pulled my toga and tore it. She kept on brawling me until my other buddy Alain came. He asked me whether I am okay or not.

“Are you okay,” Alain asked me.

“Do you think I’m okay? I cannot answer that question right now, sorry,” I replied.

Maiku also went to the rescue, but it was too late for him. He also asked the same question.

Then I slapped his face.

“Now you’re being sympathetic towards me now!? Alain, let’s go now.”

I grasped Alain’s arm and went straight to my flat. Meanwhile, Maiku confronted the JW angrily, grabbing her collar.

“Why the fuck did you do that!? You’re bringing shame here!”

I could no longer breathe. I simply wanna die now.

I could no longer forgive Maiku anymore. There’s a reason why he is angry towards Akio. There’s a reason why he started a fight with Kei. There’s also a reason why I slapped Maiku. I slapped him because I thought he was being fake.

No, that guy pal I’m talking about is not Alain. He’s the jealous warfreak’s beau, and I could not imagine her doing that inside the school grounds.

I will never forgive her. EVER.

I could say that Kei already has a fucking tattoo on his chest. It was his admiration towards Antonello, and the rest is history. He chose to graduate from college, and he decided to go back to Japan again.

It was too late for me to forgive Maiku. However, I have a feeling that Maiku is already dead.

Kryptonite

The place where the “blessing” of a certain room started. Behind me is a diagonal-screened door that leads to an eerie path where the sunrise strikes the whole room. There, a priest initiates the blessing of the building and the people inside are required to pray the rosary fervently. That was an eerie feeling when one person (most likely a guy) massaged me and tested whether I have prayed the rosary fervently — and it was found out I was identified as a “Kryptonite.”

In this context, I was not able to graduate and I was thinking that a devil (via a green dragon) might have devoured me in the speed of light.

I woke up and could not almost believe what happened. I was extremely traumatized, to the fact that I could no longer sleep sweetly. It was more of a nightmare than I expected.

The next scenario came when I cried in front of my mother that I should have been those dead people I have mentioned. Those tears came out and became sporadic.

I always have the feeling of religious dreams, whether I could be forgiven or not.

However, that is not all. I also witnessed the final judgment whether people should go back to heaven or burn in hell. That was scary, though.

Finally, a statue resembling the representation of God in a human form — that statue was raging mad at me and thought, “What have I done wrong?”

In fact, I’d rather be an atheist. I do not think there is a God that would be too powerful — or maybe there is.

After all, there is a God, however, that’s about it. It’s a matter of luck whether those “answers have been prayer-ed” or not.

No baby-featured TV shows, pozhal’sta!

Seriously, I don’t like to have babies. EVER.

…and it’s obvious when you’re talking about motherhood. NO WAY. That’s why I’m very against pre-marital sex, and to those who are now young mothers, well, I’m not discouraging you not to become mommas, but the risks of taking care of a baby is like, “HOMG, I will do all these shit homework in freaking one day!”

I don’t like to hear crying babies — seriously, that sound is like a fucking pain in the arse! Like, jeez! It’s not music to me AT ALL, like, “FUCK! I hate to hear babies crying, it’s a fucking pain in the arse!”

You see, the reason why I am really like, venting this out is because, I feel soft-hearted when it comes to kids. However, motherhood will never be a thing for me at all. I believe, I’ll just screw the fuck up and like, “No way. I’d rather get married once I become selfless.” I’d rather be contented as an aunt, as a godmother, but being a momma!? No way (with matching Aussie accent)!

Now Imma ask one of my couz’s about this: If you wanna be a momma, you have to be ready — it’s the worst job ever. Seriously.